I volunteered to have my photo taken for a Department of Labor program for disabled programs.  The initiative is  for a good cause because it brings awareness to the contribution of the disabled in the workplace.  I had an epiphany. during the shoot.  It struck me for the first time in that  I am considered disabled.  I am considered a cripple.  Since getting blown up with a bomb, I have ran from the archetype of the disabled vet,  in doing so, I have ditched the cliches and refused to accept so much of my current condition.

For the photo shoot, I was told to bring things that made me ‘look’ like a vet.  I hate NASCAR, trucker hats, and I am not in a wheelchair, so the best thing I could do was to bring my Purple Heart Medal and the certificates that he Army regurgitated on me when I was in the hospital.  Of course I accessorized with the cane that I sometimes need in order to walk around.

As we placed the shlag on the stick pins that I had meticulously placed on the wall so that the shot was framed with me and the certificates within it, I found myself quietly face to face with my Purple Heart certificate and the other chachkeys from my past: Purple Heart=Pain, Bronze Star V=Death of Cpl. Glenn Watkins, and Retirement Certificate=end of a career I loved. I would later put them back in the bag and bring them home.

I opened up one of those bright green army folders to discover photos of me at the army hospital. 5 years ago.  I was skinny, clean cut, youthful, and practically renewed.  My feet were all wrapped up, I was in a wheelchair, I had a big grin on my face like I did not have a care in the world.  I did the shoot, and the photographer captured more then I expected.   The  picture stole  my cynicism and the pain of the last 5 years that drove me through college,  and drowned me in debt,  which eventually brought me to D.C..

I am often applauded for my resilience and tenacity.  But when I looked at those pictures, I realize that there is a price to be paid for resilience.

]]> http://outskurt.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/veterans-their-friends/feed/ 0 outskurt http://outskurt.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/56/ http://outskurt.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/56/#comments Sun, 07 Feb 2010 08:45:32 +0000 outskurt http://outskurt.wordpress.com/?p=56 ]]> When I was a kid, I became acutely aware of the various  hypocrisies that permeated institutions whether they be religious, educational or law.  Before I turned 10, I was a budding cynic.  By the time I was 14, I committed to seek truth, whatever ‘truth’ was, even if that would take me places that were physically and emotionally uncomfortable and even dangerous.  I was not interested lies, myths, or falsehoods; I was simply  driven to understand the ‘reality’ behind the constructs; without the formal lenses of institutions to guide me.  Initially, this path took me to places where poverty is conditional to everyday life.  In addition, it forced me to face racism and religious intolerance in very real and personal ways.  Finally, this excursion took me to war.  All of this before I turned 21.

I can say that this subjective ‘search for the real’, though highly moralistic and self-justified, had consequences. First of all, it inhibited my ability to connect with people or take advantage of opportunities that would have taken me to greater  financial success.  Secondly, it was time-consuming.  The time spent going down ‘roads of discovery’  could have been  spent on the practicalities of life such as college or career in those early years.

At 25 I fell into another ‘reality-seeking’ opportunity.  This time it was in Hollywood and the film industry.  I came to this industry because I saw Hollywood as the myth-making machine that infected and stimulated the imaginations of millions, if not billions of people across the globe.  My past made me sensitive to the manufactured myth-created archetypes of race, patriotism, occupations, politics, religion and geography that created the constructs of American culture.  When I was given the opportunity to go ‘behind the scenes’, I jumped in, irrespective of the fact that the role I would be playing in this menagerie would have no career prospects, require little education beyond what I had, and offered no contribution to the creative process itself.

After my second war, I did it again.  I decided I was ready for university.  To me it was a way to codify what I had learned and to access social credibility for what I had been through.  I read once that attending school as an older student  was the norm if in ancient Greece where education was too important than to be wasted on the young.  I have oft-repeated this little factoid to others and myself for waiting so long to enroll.   However, it did come at a cost.  That cost was time.

This crusade for the real, is not some faux-artistic expression, or some flash in the pan commercial Jack Kerouac counter-culture experiment.  No, I put my career, family and life on the line for this lifestyle, and yes, the crusade morphed into a lifestyle.  The earned payoff for the painful deconstruction of social constructs is an infinite amount of questions and a tangled world.  I sacrificed more than most and I do believe I know less than when I began this journey, which is why I struggle with how I should or if I should share any insights at all.

Despite all this, I do not regret any of it.  However, now that I am in the Capital and have a renewed focus on a career, I am trying to unburden myself of this life long obsession.   Ironically, D.C. culture draws me back in.   I feel the grind of deception in a city where power is given to those who best deceive, and I am drawn to get behind the veil yet again. That being said, I am more leery of going down roads that might ‘reveal’ the real.  I have learned that seeking the real entrenches cynicism and cynics have a hard time making a career.

I will say this about the search for ‘truth’, it does ‘set one free’ of conventions and certain societal norms.  However, the search for ‘truth’ also leads to alienation.  I have come to appreciate the fact that people need myths, they need them because so much of hope, dreams, reaction, progress and revolution stems from imagination that is stitched together by unknowns and myths.  When the unknowns are discovered and the myths are busted, despair sets in.

Therefore, my challenge is to balance the fantastical indulgences of others with what little insight I earned.   If I have not alienated myself from society, I hope to apply my life where I can; and pass what I can to others.

Falls Church is a great little town.  I thought that I would not care for it much, that it would be a great ‘first step’ before we moved somewhere else.  The truth is that this place has practically very thing you would ever want, except for an art cinema or any cinema for that matter.

First and foremost, it has a great school system.  Secondly, everything is in walking distance.  The family owned hardware store, the quaint coffee and dessert shops, the wine and cheese shoppe  and the Falls Church gives it that Americana vibe that I certainly did not grow up with in LA.  At the same time, Falls Church is very ‘Yuppie’.  It has its SBX and CVS.  The Panera and yuppie style town homes that sits above it.

Falls Church is also international and diverse.  It has one of the  biggest mosques in the US.  and with that a very vibrant Arab and Afghani community.  There are many Europeans here as well.

I could go on, but the point is that this small town is as complex as many urban areas in the US; all packed in to 2.2 square miles.  I am thankful we live here.

The first sign of this lack of leadership was how  the administration handled the Recovery Act last year.  Instead of drafting the bill he wanted, he simply gave guidance and allowed the Democrats to craft the bill.  The bill did not do everything that he claimed it was going to do, it could have; he had the political capital.  On the health care debate, the President seemed to once again allow the process to run amok in the hands of Congress.  This last year revealed the weakness of the Democratic Party and their inability to get things done.  Despite how much of a majority the Dems have, they cannot get it done.  The de facto leader of the Democratic part is the President, therefore this mess over the last year ultimately is a reflection on Obama’s leadership.

Today, Obama went to Baltimore and confronted the Republicans.  There was an open question and answer time where the President confronted his harshest critics on the Right.  Here, I saw a different President.  He was taking on all his critics, answering the questions (and/or talking points) and in turn making the Republicans look ignorant.  I was proud of him.  Maybe he is finally learning to fight.

Maybe he is learning that there is a delicate balance between irrationality and reason in politics, and that ‘irrationalism’ and ignorance cannot be easily dismissed and must be called out.

Despite both towns having emmense influence and power nationally and globally, The way power is dispersed and perceived between these cities are very different.  Unlike Hollywood, power in DC is dispersed throughout the bureaucracies; as opposed to personality.  That is not to say that individuals do not have power here in Washington.  The influence that is wielded is more a function of their position in government or the bureaucracies then their personal charm and charisma.

In addition, power is more decentralized in Hollywood.  That is to say, there are power players in various level of the industry, from the lowest PA who is a favorite on the set; or a well connected set-medic who is feared by the producers because he surfs with even more powerful players, to a weakened studio exec, because he is perceived to be on the decline while another is on the rise.  In DC, the most powerful usually have a time limit in their power.  The average political appointee sits in his or her position for 2 years, and the President of the United States will max out at 8.  Yes, there are Senators and Representatives that stay longer, but the relationship between the politicos and the bureaucracies are surprisingly superficial. In the film and television community, how long one has influence is dependent on the confluence of money, personality, and connections to whose ‘hip’ at the time.

This leads to my last point, accountability defers between Hollywood and DC.  In DC, accountability is dispersed through the various bureaucracies so that it is impossible to hold any one person accountable for anything.  The inverse is true in Hollywood.  Us Hollywoodians  find ourselves almost accidentally responsible for anything and everything that happens because so much credence is placed on charisma and personality.

When I got to DC,  I assumed that I was walking into a Hollywood ‘light’ political environment, what I have seen so far is denser, but a less brutal political landscape.

I have been considering the war in Afghanistan as well.  On one hand, I think about 9/11 and think about how the Taliban enabled AQ to kill 3000 people in New York.  There is no doubt in my mind our invasion of Afghanistan was just, and that the Taliban government deserved to be overthrown.  On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder what what we hope to achieve in Afghanistan now eight years after the the invasion.  Is it a nation-building mission? Are we trying to build legitimacy between the Afghan people and the inificient and corrupt government in Kabul?  What is Afghanistan?  Is it a state in the modern sense? Is it even a nation (many nations)?  Or is it the ungovernable space between Pakistan and Iran?  Given the British propensity to never forget their own history, I can understand why they are uneasy about continuing to hold the line with us in that place.

The ‘special relationship’ we have with the UK is an outgrowth of World War II and the Cold War.  As the Obama administration continues to  redefine America’s place in this international environment, it is necessary to redefine its relationship with the UK.  Though we have a common language and common values, there are between the US and UK real differences.  The political culture in the UK is different in the sense that they may not want to be the ‘go to state’ every time the US decides that it needs to exert its leadership on the global stage, even when it is in liberal-democratic interests.  The role of the UK, as a bridge between the US and the EU, might remain a role that they will be willing to play.  At the same time, British foreign policy may transform to resemble that of Norway and Sweden then that of a former superpower holding the line with the US.  This leads me to consider the implications of whether or not we can continue our mission in Afghanistan without UK support.  I don’t know.